In response to the news that a plant in New Mexico that will slaughter horses to produce meat for human consumption has moved a step closer to legal operation, famed television personality Mr. Ed and his side-kick Wilbur have come out of retirement to discuss the news.
Wilbur: I take it you have something to say.
Ed: As we all know, I don’t yakity yak a streak, wasting the time of day.
Wilbur: Sounds like a theme song.
Ed: What’s up with you humans wanting to slaughter us horses again?
Wilbur: Well, Ed, I’m not really sure why people want to eat horses. I mean, you know I don’t eat horse meat.
Ed: Don’t you humans have enough dead animals with your breeding and slaughtering of cows, pigs and chickens? Did you know chickens outnumber you people three to one? And you humans have bred so many cows that there’s 1.4 billion of them around–eating food and drinking water you humans should? Forget the cesspool of contaminated water slaughterhouses leave behind. Can’t get that back.
Wilbur: I didn’t know that.
Ed: Of course, you didn’t, too busy thinking how to kill off and eat my species now.
Wilbur: I’m not thinking that Wilbur.
Ed: Haven’t we been good to you humans? Prancing around in fancy saddles, acting in television shows, jumping over ridiculous fake hedges, racing around stupid tracks–all for your entertainment. What do we get for it? You sell wild horses for $10 a head so that some private slaughterhouse can make money from the taxpayer? The taxpayer has no idea how they’re subsidizing private cattle ranchers and slaughterhouses–none.
Wilbur: I had no idea.
Ed: Obviously. Pay attention, Wilbur. You fill our bodies with god knows what to fatten us up, like you do those cows and pigs, then you inject us with all kinds of drugs like anti-anxiety medicines because we know we’re being sent off to be murdered, and then you eat us. Newsflash: You people are fat and sick enough already.
Wilbur: It’s not my idea, Wilbur, honestly. I’m not for this.
Ed: You know what I am, Wilbur?
Wilbur: A horse?
Ed: Of course. I am not your dinner. Checkmate.